The Soft Poison of Empathy: Why Feelings Are Not the Standard of Truth

May 28

In a culture drunk on feelings, men are starving for truth.

We’ve been told that empathy is the highest virtue—that to lead well, we must feel deeply. But here’s the truth: when emotions become your guide, justice dies, families collapse, and leadership evaporates.

Empathy Is Not Compassion

Let’s get our terms straight.

Compassion is biblical. It sees suffering, moves toward it, and acts in obedience to God for the good of the other person.

Empathy, as the culture defines it, is something else. It’s an emotional fusion that demands you feel what someone else feels—so much so that it overwhelms your judgment and clouds your conviction. As Dr. Joe Rigney rightly said, “Empathy untethered from truth is a vice, not a virtue.”

When your wife cries and you abandon headship to appease her feelings—that’s not love.
When your child throws a fit and you fold like a lawn chair—that’s not mercy.
When a church cowers before a mob because someone might be “offended”—that’s not compassion. That’s cowardice.

The Bible Commands: Do Not Pity

While God’s Word acknowledges and knows our feelings, it doesn’t coddle our emotions. In Deuteronomy, God repeatedly warns His people, “Your eye shall not pity…” (Deut. 13:8, 19:13, 25:12). Not when justice is on the line. Not when sin is tearing through the camp. There are moments when pity is rebellion.

Aaron pitied the Israelites when they panicked. So what did he do? Built them a golden calf. That’s empathy at work: letting someone’s distress steer you into sin.

And what’s the result? Chaos. Idolatry. Death.

The Household Test: Who’s Running the Ship?

Let’s bring it home. Literally.

Do you stop leading your wife when she’s upset?
Do your kids know that throwing a tantrum is how they win arguments?
Have you been guilted into silence in your church or job by some emotional sob story?

If you answered yes, you’re not leading—you’re reacting. That’s not strength. It’s surrender with a smile.

Emotions are not evil. But they’re not your king. They make a terrible compass. That’s why Scripture calls us to be sober-minded—clear-headed, anchored, and steady (1 Peter 5:8).

Real Application

This isn’t a call to become heartless robots. Christ was moved with compassion—but never manipulated by emotion. He wept over Lazarus, then commanded the stone be rolled away. He didn’t ask how Martha felt about it to determine what was the right course of action.

To be clear: sympathy is not wrong. It's good and godly to consider the emotions of others when we lead. A man who doesn’t weep with those who weep is not Christlike. But a man who makes decisions solely based on weeping is not a leader—he’s a slave to sentiment.

We must reject both ditches:

The Ditch of Emotional Cowardice
This is the passive husband. The indulgent father. The elder who lets tears veto truth. This man fears feelings more than he fears God.
The Ditch of Harshness
This is the reactionary man—cold, aloof, barking orders with zero tenderness. He claims to lead but forgets that Christ washed feet and fed the hungry. He’s all spine, no heart.

The narrow road of biblical masculinity is truth with compassion, strength with tenderness, leadership with love.

So How Do You Live This Out?

Raise Your Threshold for Emotional Discomfort
Stop being afraid of people being upset. You don’t lead by managing feelings—you lead by obeying God.
Lead with Scripture, Not Guilt
Don't let emotions dictate truth. Let the Word of God shape your judgments and decisions.
Cultivate Sober-Mindedness
Get clear-headed. Anchor your emotions in God’s truth. Pray. Fast. Train. Think. Prepare.
Love with Discipline
Real love does what’s best for others, not what feels good in the moment. Discipline your children. Lead your wife. Shepherd the church. Not with a whip, but with unwavering, godly resolve.
Ask: Am I Pleasing God or Avoiding Conflict?
Your job is not to make everyone feel good. Your job is to do good. That often means confrontation. Let it come.
Be a Rock for Your Household
Emotions will crash like waves. Your job? Stay anchored. Your wife, your children, and your church don’t need you to be “in touch with your feelings.” They need you to stand firm.

Men, we are not called to be emotionally fragile. But we are not called to be emotionally dead either. We are called to be sober, strong, tender, and true.

Build. Fight. Protect. Lead.
This is The Patriarchy.

Joseph Spurgeon